Dudder: Conspiracy Theories

We are in one of those all-too-common periods in which the automobile is a target for everyone with an axe to grind.

We are in one of those all-too-common periods in which the automobile is a target for everyone with an axe to grind. Vehicles are: too large, too powerful, inefficient, unsafe, heavy, the reason for war, the cause of global warming, and implicated in the disappearance of Jimmy Hoffa, the death of the Lindbergh baby, post-teen acne, and flatulence—especially flatulence. Automakers are evil, ranking up there with cigarette makers, fast food providers, and politicians from the other party—whichever party that might be.

Well, I’m here to let you in on a secret: Automakers are evil. Every executive in this global industry is either an actual or honorary member of the Freemasons, Opus Dei, Trilateral Commission, Skull and Bones, Mafia, or Molly Maguires. They sit on the board of directors of McDonalds, Coca Cola, and each of the major energy companies. Not only are they responsible for the spike in gas prices, terrorism and carnage on the highway, they faked Walt Disney’s death and put him to work perfecting a lifelike robot to which any top auto executive could transfer his consciousness and live forever. You didn’t think Bob Lutz was human, did you? (Little known fact #1: the directors of engineering at GM and Ford personally wrote the Warren Commission Report. Chrysler’s chief engineer sat this one out. He was starting work on the techniques necessary to fake the moon landing with help from the aliens who landed at Roswell at that time.)

Is there any wonder why we are still driving cars that have rubber tires, drive over terrain, use petroleum-based fuels, and are powered by piston engines? By now we should have shifted to flying cars with nuclear powerplants encased in lightweight shielding that fly themselves to our destination, and be very close to perfecting the teleportation techniques seen in Star Trek. (Little known fact #2: Star Trek creator Gene Roddenberry was a marketing consultant for makers of consumer products, and conducted his market research by inserting advanced concepts like the cellular telephone—the communicator—touchless diagnostic systems—the tricorder and sick bay bed—and interactive television—the holodeck—into his screenplays.) Instead, we are forced to drive vehicles not so different than those created at the beginning of the last century.

It’s also true that Saturn was an attempt by dedicated individuals within GM to produce a vehicle with advanced technologies that would throw back the curtain on this cabal’s nefarious deeds. Rather than kidnap or kill these dissidents, the leadership of the company let the full force of the bureaucracy hobble their every move, and forced them to work outside the system. That is the only reason they introduced a car with an engine cast by the lost-foam process, a steel spaceframe, and easily removed plastic body panels that never were updated. Their original plans called for a compact sedan with ion power, carbon fiber construction, and a force-field safety system for under $10,000. (Little known facts #3 and 4: The prototype Saturn Ion was tested under DeLorean body panels in Back to the Future. Christopher Lloyd may have acted alien when playing Doc Brown, but Michael J. Fox was the real alien in the movie.)

I’d tell more, but I fear my life would be in danger if I did. Remember my dear friends, the truth is out there. Way out there.